my Mum forbids thoughts of reckless individuality
How to be a Homophobic Lesbian
1. Wear non-earth tone colors. Preferably, pink, chartreuse, grammar school bathroom green and/or any purple you can find.
2. Have continuous unprotected sex with males and brag about it to your mother.
3. Run away and join the circus, the armed forces or volunteer with other large young adults to do the next right thing for America.
4. Pursue your mother’s passions not your own. Conform. Conform. Conform.
5. Have your mother braid your hair and pick/buy your clothes for you. Remember she has been a practicing heterosexual homophobe ideals much longer than you have.
6. See life as a box and do not step out of it with any ideas such as; originality, individuality and attempts at questioning authority.
7. Boost and boast about your sexual triumphs with men and disregard the failed attempts at being gay…perhaps, it was just a passing phase.
8. Become frumpy and dumpy and hope that no one notices the weight you’ve gained while transitioning over to heterosexual land.
9. Take a boat load of meds and nude photos of yourself. Remember bad publicity is better than none at all.
10. Last and certainly, not least, the only true love you will ever have for women will be your overbearing mother. The relationship maybe as close to ‘sexual’ that you will ever have without having to be who you truly are.
In my case, the flannel, the work boots, the thermals, the episodes of porn with women on women need to be tossed away. I’ve learned to bat my eye lashes, which are in need of waxing, and boost my biggest asset in hopes of attaining non innovative thoughts, my breasts. Every man loves a woman with swollen breasts. At least, that is what mother Theresa has told me.
Thank You for your time, you’ve all been so much more than kind-
Ambien, the Annie C., Grace
