Vertigo Virgin…Not!

Look out kid
It’s somethin’ you did
God knows when
But you’re doin’ it again

As I do with many of my character defects, I like to blame my upbringing.
I’m a recovering alcoholic because I am native American and Irish and ex-catholic girl.
I am a lesbian because I had not been breast fed at birth. Therefore, I have always been looking for the right nipple.
On occasion I have been known to speak my mind too clearly in the wrong place…too much TV as a child….
You get the picture?

Don’t follow leaders
Watch the parkin’ meters.

As a youngster my father would export me across the Canadian border to disguise his true intentions. Buying Moosehead beer at rock bottom prices.  It had been a pretty clear and thought out plan: putting the larger in a cooler and placing a child, me, on the padded iced down seat as we crossed in enemy territory, U.S. border patrol.

Canada had been where I lost my virginity to vertigo. Mount Royale to be exact. That thunderous city mountain sat beautifully above Montreal. Poetic really. All my cherry needed for popping had been a lose black Labrador retriever and a cliff.
I went back to Canada with my X many years ago. It had been her dying for co-dependency last wish. Vacationing together in separate rooms up in Moose Alley New Hampshire. Secretly, I now realize it was a blond set up in the making. A dare, me, my X and one of the longest free standing suspension bridges in the world.
I am shaking as I write but I did it. Tears pouring down my face, snot plastered to the rope the held the in wooden slats… me on a balancing act high above a gorge. I sucked it up, put my big girl panties on, looked up at my X who had been waiting ever so patiently football fields away, half crawled, half walked but managed one thing with dignity…the giving way of the American Bird. Fuck you, Linda and the fearless clueless bad dream you rode in on.
I learned from that day forward that fear is only an instant away from bravery, stupidity and courage.
Not paying heed to the voices in my head, however, I foolishly practice the art of anxiety attacks, daily.
Today I tittered on another bridge to get just the right picture. Wood fell beneath me as my heart collapsed to my left foot and my stomach became one with my pulse.
I got the picture. It is downloaded next to the last picture I took. The picture of an old car in a field of poison ivy.

Twenty years of schoolin’
And they put you on the day shift

Slowly, I recover from my addiction to self, day by day by day. Slowly, the anxiety leaves and refreshes me with a fears tackled. Ever so placidly, the panic is covered in hives and itchy little bumps for I am allergic to poison ivy.

Johny’s in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
I’m on the pavement
Thinking about the government
The man in the trench coat
Badge out, laid off
Says he’s got a bad cough
Wants to get it paid off
Look out kid
It’s somethin’ you did
God knows when
But you’re doin’ it again
You better duck down the alley way
Lookin’ for a new friend
The man in the coon-skip cap
In the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten.

Maggie comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin’ that the heat put
Plants in the bed but
The phone’s tapped anyway
Maggie says that many say
They must bust in early May
Orders from the DA
Look out kid
Don’t matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don’t try, ‘No Doz‘
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don’t need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows.

Get sick, get well
Hang around an ink well
Ring bell, hard to tell
If anything is goin’ to sell
Try hard, get barred
Get back, write Braille
Get jailed, jump bail Join the army, if you failed
Look out kid
You’re gonna get hit
But users, cheaters
Six-time losers
Hang around the theaters
Girl by the whirlpool
Lookin’ for a new fool
Don’t follow leaders
Watch the parkin’ meters.

Ah get born, keep warm
Short pants, romance, learn to dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Try to be a success

A&BC Picture card album. Bazooka Joe logo. c 1964 (Photo credit: sludgegulper)

Please her, please him, buy gifts
Don’t steal, don’t lift
Twenty years of schoolin’
And they put you on the day shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Don’t wear sandals
Try to avoid the scandals
Don’t wanna be a bum
You better chew gum
The pump don’t work
‘Cause the vandals took the handles.